I cannot tell you how many queries I get about the proper use of Cocktailing. Many fools think that Demon Alcohol is designed for the express purpose of forgetting something horrible. FAR from the truth, brethren! Alcohol--in the form of the Cocktail Hour--is the gateway to true knowledge. Lo, indeedy, it is the manifestation of the Bored Almighty! Praise Knob Creek! Bend Over And TAKE IT!
Therefore, In the interest of educating the unflossed masses, I begin this eve a multi-part seminar on the proper ways to develop an impressive alcoholic thought. Think of this as a master class in mixology for the genius in your midst. If you are the genius, please keep reading. If not, please separate yourself from reality by more pedestrian means.
The purpose of the Cocktail Hour, whether it be an hour long or a month of sideways, is to conjure thoughts, anecdotes, antidotes, animals, ancillary tales, or mere bullshit, without the fear of research. Hence the blessed Cocktail. We thinkers require a certain amount of mental lubricant before we begin to pontificate, which is what removes us from the rude class of drinkers. These lower species require abnormally shallow forms of intoxication to obtain mates, learn the art of regurgitation, and die in strange accidents involving sheep. We are not them. WE are the elite imbibers, destined for greatness, debauched in purpose, and unrelenting in our pursuit of the perfect martini. We are bound by tradition and vows of forgetfulness to protect each other from unnecessary nakedness in public places.
The best way to insure our success is to employ tried and true methods, passed down through generations of idiots of the finest order. It is with this goal in mind that I begin passing to you--the devoted--the tried and true recipes for Cocktails befitting our station in life. I will do this, from time to tire iron, as my schedule permits, starting this fine moment with one of my favorites. Enjoy at your own risk:
Bonkersane Cannonball:
1) Obtain a large carafe of wine. Any wine. Just doesn't matter.
2) Drink it, or force someone else to (preferable if it's cheap.)
3) Obtain a fifth of your preferred whiskey (high-powered.)
4) Fill the carafe (empty by now) with crushed ice up to the neck.
5) Pour your whiskey of choice into the carafe until it reaches two-thirds of the way up the neck.
6) Fill the remainder of the carafe with the mixer of your choice (I prefer a member of the cola family.)
7) Replace the wine carafe lid TIGHTLY on the carafe. (You did save the lid, right?)
8) Shake vigorously until you make a mess.
9) Place the carafe in a sub-zero freezer for 45 to 60 minutes.
10) Drink the bastard. Through a straw. Hanging by your ankles.
11) Lord over your minions with your brutal wisdom.
Next Time: Steaming Thought. Stay tuned...
Therefore, In the interest of educating the unflossed masses, I begin this eve a multi-part seminar on the proper ways to develop an impressive alcoholic thought. Think of this as a master class in mixology for the genius in your midst. If you are the genius, please keep reading. If not, please separate yourself from reality by more pedestrian means.
The purpose of the Cocktail Hour, whether it be an hour long or a month of sideways, is to conjure thoughts, anecdotes, antidotes, animals, ancillary tales, or mere bullshit, without the fear of research. Hence the blessed Cocktail. We thinkers require a certain amount of mental lubricant before we begin to pontificate, which is what removes us from the rude class of drinkers. These lower species require abnormally shallow forms of intoxication to obtain mates, learn the art of regurgitation, and die in strange accidents involving sheep. We are not them. WE are the elite imbibers, destined for greatness, debauched in purpose, and unrelenting in our pursuit of the perfect martini. We are bound by tradition and vows of forgetfulness to protect each other from unnecessary nakedness in public places.
The best way to insure our success is to employ tried and true methods, passed down through generations of idiots of the finest order. It is with this goal in mind that I begin passing to you--the devoted--the tried and true recipes for Cocktails befitting our station in life. I will do this, from time to tire iron, as my schedule permits, starting this fine moment with one of my favorites. Enjoy at your own risk:
Bonkersane Cannonball:
1) Obtain a large carafe of wine. Any wine. Just doesn't matter.
2) Drink it, or force someone else to (preferable if it's cheap.)
3) Obtain a fifth of your preferred whiskey (high-powered.)
4) Fill the carafe (empty by now) with crushed ice up to the neck.
5) Pour your whiskey of choice into the carafe until it reaches two-thirds of the way up the neck.
6) Fill the remainder of the carafe with the mixer of your choice (I prefer a member of the cola family.)
7) Replace the wine carafe lid TIGHTLY on the carafe. (You did save the lid, right?)
8) Shake vigorously until you make a mess.
9) Place the carafe in a sub-zero freezer for 45 to 60 minutes.
10) Drink the bastard. Through a straw. Hanging by your ankles.
11) Lord over your minions with your brutal wisdom.
Next Time: Steaming Thought. Stay tuned...
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