"Doctor Bonkersane, where have you been," I hear you wail over tears and cocktails, ensconced at your lavish bar-rails. Truth be told, your good Doc has been on a super-secret ingredient quest, scouring the planet once again for the finest taste treats to dazzle your little Dionysian palates with. This autumn's pilgrimage found me trekking through the wild and dangerous lands of the south of France, stalking the Wild Wino. After many episodes of great personal peril--forced ingestion of unpasteurized cheeses, repulsion of extremest defectors, treatments for unspeakable diseases acquired in barns from unshaven farmer's daughters, etcetera--I found myself in a vineyard of unmatched beauty, tended by an extremely obese, buck-toothed, ancient hag, possessed of an unrivaled bodily aroma capable of subduing death himself. Never the less, I was a man with a mission, and felt that I could not disappoint my loyal followers, no matter the personal cost. For in this fertile vale was reputed to dwell a single Juniper bush of such purity, such unsullied scent, such intense and perfect berries, that I simply had to obtain its fruit for my research. Therefore, I submitted myself to the vile whims of the grotesque matron, only to contract that most fiendish of maladies, "Le rhume de cerveau!"
When I awoke, disoriented, disturbed, and drained, I found myself seated back behind my own bar, clutching a handful of now uselessly crushed berries, staring at a pile of used tissues, and a long row of very empty, very cheap plastic shot glasses. At the end of the row sat a nearly depleted, strangely shaped plastic bottle of curious green liquid. I shook the vapor from my head, and began to read the label. All I have left of my ill-fated journey are the list of ingredients from the side of the little vile:
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“Acesulfame Potassium, Alcohol, Citric Acid, D&C Yellow No. 10, FD&C Green No. 3, FD&C Yellow No. 6, Flavor, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Polyethylene Glycol, Propylene Glycol, Purified Water, Saccharin Sodium, Sodium Citrate, Acetaminophen 650 mg, Dextromethorphan HBr 30 mg, Doxylamine succinate 12.5 mg…”
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